live.

Whenever I talk to any of my family or friends about my beliefs and they ask me how I can believe that we are only living in the now, and that there is nothing after this life. I wish I had something like this to say in return:

"When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me-it still sometimes happens-and ask me if Carl changed at the end and converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… . That pure chance could be so generous and so kind… . That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time… . That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful… . The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful."

Beautifully said.

study.

Instead of studying, like I was supposed to be doing, I was up all night making this étagère à livres.

That is french for bookshelf.

::fancy isn't it::

This is before I started.

This is when I was all finished.

I added some candles, but you can't really tell because of the glare.

This picture is better. I like how it turned out.

::next for bedroom::

COW SKIN RUG

fabrique.

Kolby always gives me crap for staying in my room for hours during the day, which I often do.

::This is why::

This is my room.

From another angle.
My work area.

I can slide the paintings that I made to cover the windows. I put black fabric on the back to blackout the room.
The other wall with the painting moved to cover the window.
This is my newest painting. I think it's my personal favorite! I make the canvases myself because it is a fraction of the price to make them compared to buying them at an art store. When I was at Home Depot today I bought more supplies for my next painting. I'll post pictures when I'm done.
If you have been to Ikea you have seen this couch. I got this very one about 3 years ago. I paid $49 for it. I think it is now priced at $149 (both are very good deals).

I reupholstered it about 2 years ago because it was looking grungy, due to its light color.

It had been a while, so I decided it was time to give my couch a facelift. This picture is when I was about half way done.

Ta-dah! About $35 worth of fabric and supplies later, and I have a brand new couch!

It's been done for about 10 minutes and I'm already in love!!

Today I also bought some quality lumber to build a bookshelf.

I want it to look something like this.

As soon as I'm done with construction, I'll post the finished product.

I absolutely love having days off that I can do projects like this. It's so rewarding to see what you can do if you set your mind to it.

My room is a place where I can just forget about the rest of the world and leave my problems at the door.

happy.

I started my day bright and early.

Around 5:30AM.

Drove to American Fork Hospital to wait for my sister, Andrea to have her baby.

7:45 finally arrived.

Warner Tyler Peay

8 lbs and 19 inches long.

::Hour 1 of life::

Sharon and my Mom anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new grandson.

5 minutes old.
First bath.
Handsome little guy.
Faux Hawk.
The Peays: A Beautiful Family

Being an uncle has been one of the most rewarding things that my sister has allowed for me to do.

Watching Kwynn grow up has been a huge joy in my life.

I can only imagine how great it will be to be a part of Warner's life.

I admit that I got a little bit choked up this morning as a first got to hold baby Warner.

I looked back on when I heard Kwynn say her first word, take her first step, to when she went to her first day of preschool and realize the immense happiness that she gives me.

I will cherish everyday that I have my family in my life.

Warner Tyler Peay, I love you.

I wish the world for you.

anyway.

::Quote for the day::

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

fitness.

I will talk about this once, and only once, because when people constantly talk about this subject I tend to get irritated...

For the last 3 months I have been making an effort to go to the gym, and I have been blown away by the amount of dedication that I have had this go-around. On average, I make it to the field house 3-4 times a week. I really push myself to my limits, and i feel great afterwards. It usually takes me around 90 minutes to complete everything. I have been meeting with Angie on occasion and she helps me focus on what I want to accomplish.

::PROGRESS::

• When I started I could run about 2.5 miles. Last week along with today I ran 5.5 miles (without walking). That's 3 mile increase. Hooray!
• When I first started, I would only do cardio; meaning I would only run as far as I could. Now, I run for 40 minutes to an hour, and then I do both arm and abdominal exercises.
• I have increased the weight on my arm exercises by 5 lbs, along with the number of workouts I do for both abs and arms.
• I not only see a difference in my physique, but also their has been a huge increase in the amount of energy I have.
• I have lost about 10 lbs and I am nearly down to the weight I was in high school.

::FUTURE GOALS::

• My mom signed my up to run a 15 K, which is roughly 9.6 miles. I just might die, but I'm hoping for the best.
• I want to loose 10-15 more pounds and bring my body fat percentage down, too.
• I would love to have defined abs and nice arms. I don't want to be a ripped wildebeest, but being physically fit would be nice for a change.

I have never gone this long without stopping, and I have a theory why. I don't have a really strict diet other than the fact that I have been trying to eat healthier, but I do let myself slide sometimes. I have been trying to focus on eating smaller portions more throughout the day. I bring my gym bag to school with me so I have no excuse not to stop by the field house. I think I can accredit my success so far to a great support system. Angie has been a huge help in teaching me what to do, and making these awful exercises somewhat enjoyable, and along with Angie I have Jessica who I always meet up with at the gym and we do exercises together. Maddie has also been a big support in that she is trying to get in shape as well and it's good to have friends around that have the same goals in mind.

Thank you all!

-Regan

material.

::Bother for the day::

I tend to get irritated when I see grown adults that still have a unibrow [when your (2) eyebrows join into one brow]. Come on people, it might be understandable when you're five, but it's never acceptable to have a creature living on your forehead. People are talking.

These little beauties are for sale at Smith's for less than $2.00.

You're welcome.

Shipping container houses:

I have been obsessed with these lately. Not only are they beautiful and extremely functional, but they are incredibly eco-friendly. Instead of using lumber for building material, these structures recycle the vast amount of unused shipping containers that are located around the world.

-Regan

fresh.

::1ONE1::

I demand that everyone goes out now and purchases a scooter! I have had mine for about three years and every time I get to take it out it instantly boosts my mood and my day takes a turn for the better.

::2TWO2::

Church leaders is are it again with their gay bashing. Boyd K. Packer stated in his last talk during conference that homosexuality is next to murder in the eyes of god. Many argue that it is only that way because sex without marriage is a serious sin in the LDS church. I find it ironic that the church played a vital role in taking that right away.

Sex before marriage is bad-->Gays can't get married-->Gay sex it baaad! Vicious cycle isn't it?

He also made a comment saying that sexuality can change. All of that electroshock therapy that the church used to perform on it's 'confused' members really worked out (insert sarcasm here). I wonder why they have stopped using that form of treatment?

I'm aware of some people who get offended by some of the things said on here. Don't take what I say about the LDS church as a personal hit, and I really feel bad for you if you think I'm being an ass. I just refuse to sit and watch respected men and women of my community state things that degrade the LGBT community. The church has full right to have their opinions, and they can go right ahead and not allow gay people to be part of their religion (being a suppressed homosexual mormon would be an awful existence), but stay out of the lives of the people who want nothing to do with your church and keep your extremely conservative beliefs out of politics.

::3THREE3::

I spent the weekend at the cabin. It was just me with my parents, and on Friday night all of the aunts on my Mom's side came and stayed. There wasn't a quiet moment from when they got there. My mom's sisters (there is 7 of them) are the most outrageous, funny, and out-of-control people I have yet to know. On saturday, the Jensen's (my parent's neighbors) came and spent the night with their four little boys. They are an adorable family, and really funny as well. I didn't do much the entire weekend but watch movies and the entire last season of Will & Grace.

On Sunday, when we drove the snowcat out to the road where our cars were parked I was shocked to see how buried my car was. Here is a picture:

::4FOUR4::

Kolby, Ally, and I recently moved to a house in the Avenues. We live with Allison (our friend that we met through work), Rikki (Allison's friend from school), and Matt (Rikki's boyfriend). This house is incredible! There is two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a living room in the basement and that is where Allison, Rikki, and Matt live. On the midlevel there is the kitchen, dining room, living room, family room, another bathroom, and a balcony. Here are some pictures from the main floor:

The sun room/main floor balcony

The kitchen

The dining room/family room

The entry

The living room

On the upper floor there is two more bedrooms, another bathroom, a commons area, and another balcony. I love having all of the room that we do, and the people that I live with are awesome!

That's all for now.

-Regan

thoughts.

ANGRY thoughts!

I was just doing as a do and surfing the web, and viewing certain political debates regarding LGBT rights. Just about every person that is against gay rights, whether it be to marry or to have an equal work environment, uses reference to religion and/or the bible during their argument.

WHERE IS THE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?!

I don't think that there should be allowed even the slightest inkling of religious bigotry during any political debate. The bible was written by who-knows however long ago, and we might as well have cavemen running our country. If we went word for word from the bible, blacks would still not have rights, unicorns would be real, and it would actually be possible to fit two of every animal on a boat (really?!). Why should peoples' rights be based on a 'god' that no one has any proof exists?

Go ahead, believe what you want to believe. Religion can be a good thing. Don't let those beliefs determine how everyone else should live though. The bible is not the constitution. The constitution is made to protect the citizens of this country of EVERY belief.

If it weren't for a few stupid scripture verses that state that gay acts are an 'abomination' I bet a lot more people would be more accepting and tolerant.

On a more positive note, here is an amazing story of a 7-year-old that is trying to change the world:

HERE

apparently.

There are few, but some people actually read this thing.

So I will continue to post.

First off, I want to say that people who get offended by what I say should either get over it or leave.

Why?

This is my blog, these are my opinions, deal with it or don't read it.

I'm not going to delete previous posts. This is how I feel, and it's not going to change.

There are certain people who are upset over my post 'religion ridiculous'.

Let me clarify.

I don't hate all LDS people.

My entire family is LDS, along with many of my close friends.

My love for these people has never, and will never be up for debate.

I just don't agree with their beliefs.

I do dislike the church as an organization.

It's involvement in politics is not only wrong, but it shouldn't be allowed.

Organized religion is a fancy word for bigotry.

Bigotry=bad.

Organized religion=bad.

Moving on....

My top 10 Facebook "NO ONE CARES!" moments:

1. When someone posts something about sports. I hate sports, and I would rather see a picture of a dead baby.
2. When people think I care about them going to the gym. Yes, I realize that its good to get a support system and let people know what your doing in order to succeed with your fitness goals. That's what weight watchers meetings and/or online chat rooms are for. When I see a daily post saying, "The gym was so awesome today!! :DD" I want to punch you in your awesome face! Stop making everyone who doesn't care about your fitness goals feel fat.
3. Profile pictures that don't show your face. Your Facebook page is your online networking site, and I'd appreciate it if I could see the face of the person I am trying to Facebook stalk.
4. I'm going to publicly humiliate the next person who intentionally removes vowels from their words (people=ppl).
5. "Elder John Johnson," your first name is NOT Elder.
6. Those who post long depressing song lyrics that fill up half of my feed. Go see a psychiatrist.
7. I really, really don't care what your astrology symbol means!
8. If I wanted to play FarmVille with you I'll ask. If your pretend animal needs food I really don't know what to do for it.
9. When girls talk about the letter they got from 'their' missionary and how happy it made them. It's almost like these letters contain the solution to cancer, AIDS, and when/where Jesus is coming. Guess what! He wrote the same thing to 15 other girls, including his own mother.
10. If you can't write a proper sentence and/or spell, delete your Facebook and enroll your ass in the 3rd grade until you can.

dearest.

Blog,

I promise I will return to you after finals are over.

-Regan

religion ridiculous.

If you haven't heard about the recent debate about President Boyd K. Packer's talk that he gave during the semiannual LDS General Conference I suggest you look it up. The copy that will come out in the ensign has been edited. I guess the church just can't take the blame for all the damage that they've caused. Just in case you haven't heard or read the talk, here are some key quotes that I found interesting:

1. "There are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature."

2. "A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. Do you think a vote to repeal the law of gravity would do any good?”

3. "They were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural,” he said. “Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.”

These quotes were among several in Packer's talk that objected homosexuality as being the "right" or the "pure" thing to do.

What I understand from reading quote #1 is that the leaders of the church not only want the exclusion of homosexuals from their church, they also are saying that it is wrong to advocate the legalization of marriage if you are a member of the church. In other words, if you are a member of the church and you believe that your gay son, friend, brother, sister, cousin, etc. should have the same rights as everyone else, you better be quite about it, because it's contradictory to what you're being taught and to what is right.

Quote number two is relative to the first one. "A law against nature." What exactly does that mean? So what they are saying is that the way homosexuals, or same sex partners, feel towards one another is unnatural? If you ask any gay person, or any straight person who knows anything about same sex attraction, they will tell you that homosexuality is biological; that we are born this way.

If there has ever been anything said so damaging or disheartening from the pulpit as quote #3 I'd be interested to hear it. It is this fact that is, in my opinion, the most misunderstood thing among religious individuals and people who only support "traditional" marriage. Homosexuality is inborn. There is no doubt in my mind that I was born this way. When a straight person grows and develops through childhood, into adolescence, and eventually into adulthood they look at the opposite gender and form attractions to them, and over time they form relationships with others, eventually leading to companionship, marriage, and family. Then when you compare this cycle to the life and feelings of a gay person, you will get the same thing. I grew up a little differently than most, but I never doubted how I felt towards the same sex. It is all anyone wants, gay or straight, to be able to openly show affection for the person you love, and to have the same rights as everyone else.

In addition to everything else, I think the timing for the church to come out and state their opinion on the subject was not thought out well. Right now there are an estimated 132,200 gay members of the church, and most are thinking that what they are feeling is wrong. This is why there has been an increase in suicide among gay members of the church. For the church to know this and still come out saying so many negative things regarding homosexuality is just down right ignorant.

It's fine if the church doesn't allow gays to get married in their temples, but stay out of politics. I thought there was supposed to be a separation between church and state. That has not been the case regarding Proposition 8 and the LDS church. During the Proposition 8 campaign the LDS church helped raise nearly $20 million in favor of traditional marriage. It was the single most expensive, non-presidential campaign ever recorded. Church members were encouraged to donate to the campaign. This just proves that with enough money and power you can make evil happen. Ten percent of every Mormon's income (this does include my parents) goes to doing a lot of good. In addition, it helps to make sure my rights to marry and the rights of every other gay, straight, bisexual, or transgendered person gets stripped away from them.

Watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4

If gay marriage were to be legalized would the bullying stop? If it were legalized would the hatred and misunderstanding towards the LGBT community stop? If marriage were to be legal between same gender partners I believe a huge amount of bullying would stop among gay teens across the United States. It is the fact that same sex partners can't get married that makes gay people different, isn't it? We need to look at gay, lesbian, bisexual, and Transgendered people as normal if we ever want equality among everyone.

for now.

I guess my posts lately have been more negative than I've wanted.

I don't mean to be a downer, but that is what is easy to write about.

Here is some good:

• I love this semester so far in school. My classes don't take much work and are mostly based on attendance which I don't mind because I find them interesting. The books I have to read are interesting for a change. I started out this semester determined to get something good, or to find something that interests me, in each class. So far, so good.
• Ryan and I are going on six months. I love him. Congrats Kolby and Ally on your two year mark!
• There is one thing that I am more excited about than if I found out Jesus was a woman, and that is the fact that H&M is going to be making its appearance in the Salty City this winter at City Creek. This is all the motivation anyone needs to work 50 hours a week and save every cent to go blow it all on the most fun -cheaply made- clothing on the planet earth. I know, I'm gay.
• I tried being a vegetarian. It lasted a day.
• I started insanity again. It lasted a day.
• Justin went on a mission. I personally don't find this a positive thing, but I'm happy for him.

I see the world as discontent.

Everyone seems to want more.

I do.

I see my life for what it could be.

I must focus on what I have.

Endless opportunity

Great friends

Great family

A great life

ugly head.

Last weekend I started growing a strange lump on my face.

Maddie and I tried to poke it with a needle.

Bad Idea.

It grew larger.

By Saturday the bump had nearly grown into another head.

Cool.

Gross.

I went to the doctor and he cut my twin open.

The red-yellow frosting like goo that followed was much unappreciated.

Now, nearly a week later, my face is getting better.

I look human again.

Wednesday morning I looked out my window and my car was gone.

F-word.

I called my apartment manager to see if they were towing.

No answer.

So I called the police.

They told me that my car had been towed.

F-word.

I told my apartment manager that I will not pay a towing charge.

I never got a parking permit.

They told me that it was never checked, and I'd be fine.

Wrong.

The apartment manager called and explained what had happened.

I got my car back.

I didn't have to pay.

No one had to die.

Great.

gaga for president.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoqOvFJ5-0c

I don't believe in war.

I think the nearly $3 trillion ($3,000,000,000,000-I think) that the U.S. has spent on the war in Iraq would have been better used in construction of schools -giving children a solid education- than causing thousands to die.

The money spent would have been enough to build 250,000 schools worldwide.

I do believe in equality for everyone.

There is no denying that there is a war going on.

If someone wants to join in that war, and fight for our country, they should be allowed.

Why should your sexual orientation ever matter? It shouldn't.

"Send the homophobes home!"

getting educated.

Oh School.

I can think of many things that won't be ritualized anymore now that you are here.

But hey! There are good things about the new school year:

• My time will be put to good use (no more sleeping in for me).
• My classes are fantastic, and my professors are great! They all speak fluent english (shouldn't this be a requirement?).
• I can still work 30+ hours a week, yet I have time to study. I just won't sleep.
• Goal: Go to every class, NO MATTER WHAT!

NEW:

• Steve & Sally finally bought the cabin of their (my) dreams that they have been talking about for the last 40 years of my life. I will post more pictures later, but here is an exterior picture of it:

• A few weeks ago, my entire family ran the Highland 5k. Mom signed me up for it several months prior and I was doing Insanity to prepare for it. Everyone did really good (all of us placed in our age groups), dad placed 4th overall.

COMPLAINTS:

• People who get married before the age of 24 are completely ignorant of their personal needs as an individual. How do you share your life with someone, when you haven't even lived yours yet? I know that this disagrees with %75 of couples in the state of Utah, but if I have to serve one more family of 7, in which the parents aren't even 30 yet -and the kids are all 9 months apart- I'm going to snap. What's wrong with birth control, abstinence, or not getting married just to have sex.

everything for the better.

I often look back at how things used to be.

I realized that is what makes up the majority of conversation.

I look back to days when everything was different.

When my number one priority was what I was doing after 4th period.

How simple life was, and how hard it is getting.

I say to myself, "Why do we do this to ourselves?"

Why do we move away from the things we love?

Why are we not satisfied with how life once was?

Why does everything have to change?

That is what makes everyone so unique.

Everyone goes through different challenges in life.

This is what causes them to change.

I would give almost anything to turn back time for a few days,

to have everything as it once was,

but I realize that I'm doing all of this to better my life.

I'm doing it to get where I want to go,

to reach my success.

Before I die:

• I will graduate with my degree in Architecture from the University of Utah.
• I will live in New York City for a while.
• I will be a success in architecture.
• I will start my own restaurant.
• I will get married.
• I will raise a child.
• I will design my own place.
• I will give a speech at a best friend's wedding.
• I will write a book.
• I will attend the funeral of a loved one.
• I will watch Kwynn grow up.
• I will love.
• I will fail.
• I will succeed.

oh hey there, blog.

It has been long, too long, since I have written. It has always been a thought in the back of my mind that I need to update everyone on what has been happening in my life, and what my thoughts are on things, but I have had a hard time getting around to it.

Here it goes:

• Ryan and I have been together for nearly 4 months now. I never thought I could be this happy with someone. I never thought I would have a relationship with someone and have this sense of normality that I have with him. He makes me laugh everyday and we have a lot of fun together. Oh, and it really helps that my family loves him, too.
• Winger's update: It continues to be slow, but I still manage to make enough to get by. My new general manager already got fired, and now the -half retarded- asian owner is trying to run the place. She can't speak english, she tries to cook but she messes up every order. I am very rude to her and she gets all nervous when I am around because I tell her how to do her job. The number to Winger's is (801)363-3666, you should call and complain about Li Ya, or more commonly known as halfretardedasiansensation.
• I got a new car! Kia. Soul. Her name is Chunk.
• I want nothing more than to own my own restaurant one day!
• My sweet mother signed my up to run a 5k in a few weeks. I went running for the first time today. I felt I did pretty well. My only complaint is that it was around 4pm, so the heat nearly killed me.
• I got one of these:

Pretty.

• I saw the Prop 8 documentary about what the Mormons did to campaign for the proposition. It was very upsetting to find out all that the LDS church did to fund this horrible thing. I suggest that everyone see it.

Life is good, maybe even great at the moment. I'm trying everyday to be a better person.

headed somewhere.

It's been a while, a very long while since I have written.

So many things have changed in the last month that I have barely had time to sit for more than 2 seconds.

New New New:

-I went to the Vampire Weekend concert with Maddie, Kramer, and Ryan. So. Good.

-Kolby and I moved to our new place on 100 South.

The many things I love about this place: I walk to school, we live in a place that has a large percentage of college students (not gang members and drug dealers), we can paint the walls in this new place, and the rent is $175 cheaper than what we were paying at Townegate. I love it!

-I met a really great guy and things have been going really well. :)

-Maddie, Ryan and I went to Muse, and even though they didn't call Maddie and I out of the audience to come hang out with them after the show, we still had an amazing time. Muse puts on an AMAZING show!

-There is only three 3 three more weeks of class left until summer and my time will be consumed by sleeping in, working long hours, getting my fat ass into shape, and managing to have a whole lot of fun in between.

Life has been a little crazy lately, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The weather has been great the last couple of days and it better stay that way. I am so grateful for the family and friends that surround me and help me get through. That's all for now.

Our trip to creeper town (Gilgal Gardens) before Vampire Weekend:

T3N

One. Up until about the 7th grade I wanted to be an artist. That dream changed to architect.

Two. I killed my goldfish when I was 14 because I thought it lived for too long.

Three. The first thing I notice about people is their shoes.

Four. I have never owned a pair of sweatpants.

Five. I have never/will never give a homeless person money.

Six. Growing up, I planned on living a lie my entire life. Then November 18th 2009 happened.

Seven. I pretend to hate all animals. I only hate most.

Eight. In the 8th grade I won the award for best smile. I believe I only won because the real winner had already received an award.

Nine. My lack of confidence frustrates me.

Ten. I'm not sure if I believe in God.

getting out.

At the beginning of this semester I thought having class on Tuesday and Thursday would be great!

That was a mistake.

Having a two hour math class is overwhelming to say the least.

So, I switched instructors at the last possible second.

I thought this would help.

Switching classes 1/4 of the way through the semester does not work.

I still struggle with the concept of calculus.

The scores on my tests and quizzes have been bad.

Really bad.

Failing bad.

I really don't want one of these on my transcripts:

A

A

A

F

A

I will go and talk to my professor on Friday.

If all goes to plan he will let me take the class next semester.

Please sir.

I'll do anything.

Anything.

restless mind.

So much to do on this Monday evening, but all I want to do is think.

All I can think about is what I will do with my new room when I move at the end of the month.

All I can think about is how great the weather has been lately.

All I can think about is what the summer will bring.

All I can think about is spending time underneath a sea of stars and a mesh of branches.

All I can think about is how unforgettable the weekend was, and how incredible my friends are.

All I can think about is how much I miss certain people, and how little I miss others.

All I can think about is my mothers face when she saw the holes in my ears.

All I can think about is how things used to be before the truth was told.

All I can think about is the relationship I try so hard to have with the ones who matter most.

All I can think about is how they say I'm superficial.

All I can think about is how they think my life is headed in the wrong direction.

All I can think about is how I disagree.

All I can think about is where I want my life to go.

All I can think about is the shape of my future.

All I can think about is the judgement people form.

All I can think about is the question, "Why does the outside matter?"

All I can think about are the same things I've been thinking about forever.

All I can think about are the dreams I've always had.

All I can think about are the secrets told that seemed to change.

Think. Think. Think.

happy birth!

Adam

& Tracy
I got the pleasure of getting to know these two very well during a three week summer adventure.

I often look back on those times and want to go back to the crazy fun and spontaneous moments that we shared.

They are the only reason why I made it through that terribly long bus ride.

They are two of the classiest people I know and I cherish every moment that I have with them.

I hope that we will always stay friends.

I love them both, and I wish the best for them.

share a smile.

As I have said before, I am one of the many people who ride TRAX daily.

One thing I don't like about TRAX is that everyone seems a little glum while riding.

There is one man who is the exception.

I have seen him maybe three times while waiting for the train.

He is one of the train conductors (if that's what you still call them).

He is this old man, probably in his late 60's with white hair and a beard to match.

Every time I see his train approaching he has a huge grin on his face.

He waves to everyone as he pulls to a stop.

I never see anyone wave, but I always do.

Does no one see this delight of a human being?

He drives a train for TRAX, so how many things does he have to really smile about.

I now realize that it doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you love doing it.

Whether your a doctor or drive a garbage truck you have to do what makes you happy.

All I want to say to this old man is "Thank you".

Thank you for always making my day a little better.

A little brighter.

new finds.

Yesterday, my friend Hannah introduced me to stereomood.com.

"Where have you been all my life?"

I have a job interview tomorrow at a different Winger's.

If it all works out, I'll put in my two weeks at the Salt Lake City Location.

Then I'll proceed to beat the new owners with something blunt. Curb 'em maybe.

I'm looking forward to my birthday this weekend.

At dinner on Saturday my parents will be seeing me for the first time since I got my ears pierced and my tattoo.

This could be a disaster.

Good thing all of my friends will be there, so they can't get too upset.

They can't get mad at me on my birthday. Right?

one last thing.

I know I promised that I would be positive for now on.

I just can't, when it comes to this.

My deep dislike for asian people continues to grow.

I don't hate all asians, just the ones that haven't adapted to the American culture.

Every time a group (I say group because they travel in packs) wonders into Winger's I can't help but want to vomit.

They are very needy people.

The guy foreigners smell weird.

The are awful tippers. Awful!

Most of them are rude. I know a lot of people say it is their culture, but you need to take care of that before you come to eat at an American restaurant.

I approve of most asian people and get along with several.

This hatred could have developed, because the new owners of Winger's are extremely asian and the restaurant is dwindling.

Jamie, who is one of the new managers, speaks only an ounce of english.

Working with him is similar to working with a severely retarded person.

I feel like I'm a babysitter.

He smells really bad.

I don't think he had ever stepped inside a Winger's before the slapped the manager name tag on him.

What?

When?

Why?

How?

I'm on a hunt for a new job.

When I obtain one, I plan on telling the new owners what I think of them.

They have ruined what I think of working for Winger's.

They have taken something that I love and smashed it into a million pieces.

thinking positively.

Lately I've been a downer.
This is going to end today.
There are so many great things to be happy about.

This change in mood could be due to the fact that the sun is making an appearance today.
I love the sun.
"Hello, old friend."

Things that make me content:

• I made $165.00 at work yesterday. Tits for tips? Maybe.
• Spring is showing signs of life. Winter was ugly this year.
• I turn 19 on Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing all the people I love.
• For the most part, I LOVE my classes (at least the design ones).
• At the end of this month Kolby and I will be moving far away from this awful complex.
• I recently found out that I don't need to know html codes to change fonts on my blog. This has caused me more anxiety than it ever should have.
• Chelsea Handler has a new book. I want it. Now.
• I'm constantly surrounded by beautiful people that have aspirations and exemplify what makes a genuine person.
• I have never been so focused on where I want my life to go.
• My mother made a funny joke about my "taste" in gender the other day. I feel that she is slowly becoming okay with the whole thing. I love her more than words can describe.

Life is going to go in an upwards direction.

Starting now.

break my fall.

Painting done by Kramer Dahl :)
In the last week I feel I haven't been myself.
This could be due to several reasons.
I guess one could say that I'm frustrated with unexplainable things.


This.
Last Sunday when I went into work I expected everything
to go as planned. I was wrong. Very wrong.

I show up around 4:00 and Maryanne (the general manager),
was there as a server, as she usually does on Sunday afternoons.

For the first 45 minutes everything was going normal.
Then, a man came in that was dressed in a blue Winger's shirt.
He sat down and was talking with the owner (her name is Leah).

About 20 minutes into their conversation, Maryanne sat to talk with them.
Afterwards, Maryanne came up to me and said that she was leaving.
I was in many ways confused of what this meant.
She told me that they were firing her and that the new general manager
was the man in the blue shirt.

My world had just come crashing down.

When I first started working at Salt Lake City Winger's I had a deep hatred for the woman.
I disliked how she handled things and how she was always nagging at the servers.
She would always be on your back about little things that you had forgotten.
Maryanne is Asian, so I think a lot of it is just part of her culture.

After working with her over 8 months, I began to build a friendship with her.
I realized that it was just how she ran her restaurant.
She was very efficient, and compared to other Winger's, there was very little waste produced.
She made the restaurant tick like a clock, and never missed a beat.

There was absolutely no reason that she should've been fired.
You shouldn't be fired for doing your job too well.
Over her career at Winger's, the restaurant won multiple service awards.
There wasn't a moment when we would run out of supplies for food.
She handled the restaurant in the exact way I, or any other sensible person, would want it.

She was seven months pregnant and worked over 100 hours a week.
Since she has been gone an entire array of problems have begun to arise.
Everything has gone to shit!

R.I.P. Maryanne. I love and miss you.


This.
I'm debating on working a second job.
I want to go and apply at Denny's and work the graveyard shifts.
I heard that the money is good.
I need the money if I am ever going to accomplish everything I want.
I just don't know if I can handle the amount of sleep that will be lacking.

This.
I have been overly annoyed with the human population in general.
I have noticed that many people around me are only skin deep.
So many people take the small things for granted.
They don't see all the beauty.
They aren't genuine.
People just come crawling back.
Why? You're just going to flake off again like dry paint.
You're so ugly.


This.
A $2.00 tip is still not okay, and never will be.


This.
My mind is constantly running, I want to do so many things, yet I lack the time and funds.


This.
I don't care for calculus but it stands in the way of my dreams, and I must understand it.


This.
Everyday I am tempted to buy a plane ticket for the next flight to somewhere else.
Anywhere else.
I feel like I am stuck in the same routine and unable to get out.
It'll all pay off one day, right?


& Finally
I'm so sure about some things and so unsure about others.

monsters really do exist.

I try to use public transportation as much as I can. I feel like it's a small contribution to the environment, but it's not anything close to where I should be. One day I got on, sat down, and was on my way to school. Just a stop or two after me, a rather unusually dressed man (or woman) got on. When I say unusually dressed i mean this:

It was back when there was a really bad inversion. This creature seemed to take it just a little too far. I can understand wearing those small white masks that people wear when they paint (I'm not sure what the name of them is), but do we need a full on gas mask and to cover our skin from exposure to any air. I'm thinking not.

When it journeyed onto TRAX I made eye contact with a few people sitting around and I could tell they were thinking the same thing as I was. 'What the hell?!' I was lucky enough to obtain a picture of this thing. The most entertaining parts of my day usually come from riding TRAX. From creepy old men to the crazy homeless, it's something that never fails to put a smile on my face.